r3in

I am getting very tired, and to say the least, annoyed of people constantly reffering to an ominoius 'them' during conversations. Its quite obvious at the time who people refer to during these conversations, for example 'They should really do something about all this garbage', or 'Why havent they cracked down on the crime that goes on here'. This will be a short message to 'Them'.

If every person in the world, considered that it was up to 'them' to change something, or to make it better, or to stand up for what you belive in, nothing would ever be done. Some of you have great ideas, ideas that will never see the day of light, because you dont belive it is your responsibility to see them through. Ideas that you think will be put into place, if you only talk about them, and how 'THEY' should implement them.

The fact is, is that it starts with YOU. I dont mean, by just talking about your ideas, or how to fix things, but to get off your idealistic asses, and do something about it. Sure, standing on a corner, shouting out what needs to be done, will get people looking at you, hell a few of them (passerbys) may even do something, but mostly everyone will just laugh at you and call you an exentric, and they have every right to do so. I would call you a poser, or a hypocrite, and most likely kick the shit out of you.

This is what I propose, Instead of expecting someone else doing what you think should be done. Find creative ways to do it yourself. You have a drug problem in your town? See that crackhouse down the street? Go burn it down. The police know its their, hell they even go to it, three or four times a week, but hey, if you havent noticed, its still there, and people are still getting their dope. Sure, it wont stop addicts and junkies from getting it, and it may get you in alot of trouble (if you dont do it smartly), but it is a start. a start to making a better world, for our children, and their children.

Moreso, You see some idiot littering, no police around, nobody really gives a damn. Go and make them pick it up, dont just spit on the ground, and be like 'fucking litterers' then walk past the garbage, thinking that it is someone elses responisibility. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. hell, if you cant force them to pick it up, or if they are gone to far, pick it up yourself.

There are quite a few more things that I could go on about, with this topic, but I will leave it at this.
It is your Responisbility, to make the world a better place, and to make sure that it stays that way. Dont expect useless law enforcers to do what you should be doing every day. Be Creative, Be Vigilante Be Free, and most importantly, Be Yourself.

Now, if you excuse me, I have a few hundred pounds of illegal Garbage to go dump on some idiots front lawn.

I doubt you will be reading this I do not know your motivations nor do I honestly care. You, like me, and anyone else, Did what needed to be done to ensure self perseverance. I still to this day do not know what happened, only that town went to hell for a few weeks after. And of course the backwash of rumors to go with it. For the last couple of months, I knew something was wrong. Instead of trying to ask and help, I distanced you from me and our friends/Family.

You should be aware that within two weeks of writing this, I will be entering detox.
I look forward to kicking your ass..

Five days until my birthday, not that that matters much at all. Its ironic that for the most part, most entries written by me, seem to be an anxious parody of a confessional, and sadly enough, this one will be no different.

I dont understand how people 'Harden' themselves to crime.  Many say that it has alot to do with the lifestyles that most criminals leave, or just the fact that they have done it so many times. I will say now, that I am no criminal but, like most other people, I imagine, I have done things I am not proud of. and to this very day still do. I remember when I was a little kid, in Scouts Canada. We Went to an AJ (Alberta Jamboree) with our group, none of the scouts In my group liked me, and I can say I dont disagree. At that time I wasnt in scouts, to make friends, or be part of a group, but to make my father (who once was the central alberta regional commisioner) Happy(fn..Perhaps not to make him happy, but to spend time with the one i looked up to so much(.

I remember all of them bugging me, calling me a 'mamma's boy', and in many senses they were right. I remember them mockingly telling me that If I didnt 'Harden up' I would never make it through Junior High. I remember Crying like the pathetic child I was, running across the entire camp, to my dads trailer, just to listen to him tell me it was okay.

I may not of been strong, but I was smart, Well smart enough to realize that those kids were right, even if they didnt realize it. I hardly party at all these days, don't goto the bar, don't hang out with masses of people at the same time... I like my solitarity, thats just the way I am. When I started junior high,  the first week was a disaster. Luckily, it just so happened that I was entering grade eight, so I only had one hellish year.

The first week was a complete disaster. It may of been because of my bitch English teacher mrs.Anderson *cough*whore*cough*, or the fact that every night, in the bus run I got into a fight and lost (lack of skill/will to win) I knew something had to be changed, so come the beginning of the next week, the end began.
It started with attitude. I removed most of my 'care free (happy/eccentric/energetic/willing to talk to anyone/want/desire to be accepted) ways' and replaced it with subtle hostility/suspicion, towards anyone. When Insulted, instead of having a witty comeback., or pathetic complaint, there was nothing, only silence, and confusion to go with it. confusion was one of my greatest allies, my self perceived enemy's, could not understand why there jeering stopped working, and eventually quit.


The next thing to go was the lack of fighting ability, most people would have enrolled in self defence courses, which I belive, because of the repition involved in one, is quite a good thing, But most of my time was spent in my garage, or better yet, purposely getting my ass kicked day after day. My thought processing, and reflexes have always, (well used to be) slightly better than the average person (making me really good at videogames/lasertag/paintball/etc) so I was able to quickly learn about superior defensce and blocking/dodging. Also, the most important thing that I learned to do, was to stay calm... alot of people say that is easy to do, but, I disagree, the time that was spent,learning to keep oneself calm and steady headed, during any situation... and to simply be able to tolerate pain was (lack of better word) torturous, a menial time of self inflicted pain, both physical (fn. not mutilation, more like, hey you., I want to fuck your mother) and emotional torment.

Im not sure where I picked it up, but Ive always been fond of using critical pressure points in combat.. It would seem that even in an angry frenzy, i can seek out a vulnerable point, and use it to my advantage....or preferably, strike it (two fingers, I have never been much of a grappeller) Anyways, To return to subject,
I decided to take some personal interest in how I looked. ( I was/am still used to buying from thrift stores) I really didnt like the idea of paying big money, for disgusting looking clothing, that was apparently cool, and had someone elses shit on it. So instead, I bought really cheap clothes, with.... nothing on them, and drew / modified them, to my liking. I still have a blue/grey hoodie that caused me tons of trouble. I had downloaded, and memorized the Tolkien Runic Script, and thought it would be 'leet' if I made a shirt using it, to advertise my S.C.A.R.A.B clan.....Bad Idea.

Two weeks have passed, and I dont seem to remember why I started to write this.
Nothing important Im sure.

T.B.C

Its been years since I have been a cutter, and I am glad. But there are times, when I get..... Urges, to watch my blood slowly drip down my arm and trickle off my fingers.... It really has nothing to do with pain... I dont feel it, like others do anymore, maybe Ive had alot of it, and have grown tolerant of it, or perhaps, I did indeed fry more than my brain..... I remember when I shot myself in the hand, there was no pain, and the doctors didnt use any freezer to take the bullet out. even when I tried to jump off the operating table, to tackle my friend, (he was making fun of me), when the doctor had the scaple inside my hand, I didnt feel anything

Yet theres other days, where it hurts just to sit up, let alone walk around, or move in general. But, I lost the point..... I found my old cutting knife.. a nice sharp fish filleting knife, that still has blood on it...... Ive been staring at it for hours now, Getting the same urges I used to get on a daily basis..... but I doubt I will do it, in fact, Im pretty sure I wont... but still, Its strange, how you can think you put something behind you, and then BANG its in your face, worse than it was before.

Im not sure what to do... So, I think the best thing to do, Is to lose the knife again.

Well we had Christmas today, and not suprisingly, I ruined it.... I didnt want to, but it seemed that my actions were out of my control (no I wasnt drunk)
I refused to open any presents, my parents got pissed at me, my dad thought I was going to do something stupid, so my mom ended up going for supper alone, which broke her heart, and my heart... I told dad to go, but he didnt listen. My mom cried when she got home, told me that she hates me, because I ruined the one time of the year where we arent fighting with each other, and that we wont celebrate christmas next year.... My Dad is hurt.... I know it, and It makes me feel like shit, which is good, because I would wonder about myself if I felt good about it..... I only wish I could make it better..... Well, with all these materialistic gifts laying upstairs, wrapped, (my dad said they will sit there until I unwrap them) I think I will make my own list, of what I really wanted for christmas.... and hey, mabye somewhere in the world, Santa Clause will still be running  around, and will be able to make a detour.

So.... My list of what I want for christmas

1)To be able to reconize myself when I look in the mirror, Not be afraid
2)To know why I spend more time having conversations with different aspects of myself, instead of real people
3)To not wake up every morning, and know that no matter what I do, I will be disappointing my parents
4)To not wake up every morning, and wish for death
5)To be able to have peace of mind during my sleep (It doesnt come anymore....mostly nightmares, and Anger)
6)To be able to tell the difference between what is real, and imagined (is this real?)
7)To be able to walk down the street, without the constant feeling that someone is always watching me and anyone I see could potentially be harmful (paranoia)
8)To know why some days I can read/write 95 wpm, yet others, I don't even know how to write/read my name
9)To be able to remember more than the last 10 minutes, and not constantly get confused about things, with no warning
10) To be able to consider myself a normal human being.... Not to be scared or uncomfortable.... or delirious, when told you have to leave the house.....